Reflecting on a Year of ED Recovery
Personal anecdotes, advice, and reflections on my journey to heal from a past riddled with disordered behaviors and mindsets around food, exercise, and my body.
Dedication
This article is dedicated to 3 people.
First, Kristin. If you ever read this, I hope you can understand the impact you have had on my life. I am far from fully healed, but without you, I would still be so far behind where I am now. I was able to enjoy my life in 2021 because of you. And because of that, I can further enjoy my life and grow into the best version of myself.
Second, my husband. Thank you for loving me regardless of my angry, sad, and sometimes depressed moments. Thank you for helping me stick to the right path during this year, when there were several times I almost cracked. Thank you for helping me think to the future, for accepting that I am worthy of help, and that help truly was the thing I needed to get better.
Lastly, to my mother. Mom, you raised me to be strong. Along with that comes a lot of stubbornness and pride, which definitely caused me to resist help for many many years. But you also taught me to be courageous and, above all, humble. Without the courage, strength, and humility together, I would never have started on this path to a better life. And without your model example of how to eat, I wouldn’t have something better to strive for.
Introduction
One year ago, I remember writing my first article about my complicated history with eating disorders and body dysmorphia. I was early in the first true recovery period I ever attempted. I remember being terrified that by sharing the details of my trauma, I would be proving to myself what I had long been denying: I had some serious problems that needed to be solved, like, yesterday.
I have been spending the last year actively trying to solve these problems, and there have definitely been some setbacks sprinkled throughout. This article is a smattering of reflections on how this past year went, how it’s currently going, and what I project for my life in the future.
2021: A Year of Living Life
I can say with full confidence that I had the best year of my life in 2021. It truly was the closing of an old chapter of my life and the opening to a new.
I’ll start with the the most obvious one. It was the year that we all thought COVID was going to end. The vaccines had most of us thinking for a little bit that we were saved. Whether or not that held up, it alleviated a lot of stress for a lot of people — myself and my family included.
Because of the vaccines, we felt confident to forge ahead with our wedding reception as planned for Memorial Day weekend. To say that this weekend was a dream come true would be an understatement. It was truly the second most fun weekend I’ve ever had in my entire life, the first (of course) being our actual wedding ceremony. Combining both weekends together is the absolute best wedding experience my husband and I could have ever hoped for. There is just something truly magical about having all of the people you love the most in one place at the same time, knowing that you are the reason they are all there. One of the big wins for me was that I never once felt the urge to restrict myself from food or drink, so I was able to enjoy myself completely.
Over the summer and early fall months, I spent a lot of time traveling, hiking, drinking, eating, and exploring life without any fear of food or weight gain. I challenged my body physically by hiking Cloud’s Rest and Half Dome in Yosemite National Park — a mammoth feat I could only have imagined completing in my lifetime. There were occasions — such as weddings, birthday celebrations, or beach vacations — I felt I had gone overboard, but then I reminded myself that 2 or 3 extra pounds on the scale is nothing compared to the 12 or 13 new memories I allowed myself to make without the shadow of my ED. The summer of 2021 is the first time I experienced a true sense of body neutrality.
In October, my husband and I (finally) went to Hawaii for our honeymoon. In every way, it was the best trip I have ever been on. We definitely loosened the grip on our pocket books, but neither of us has any regrets about the entire experience. For me, it was the first time I ever went on a long vacation and didn’t feel the urge to immediately put myself on some sort of diet as soon as I returned home. I enjoyed every piece of food, every coconut milk latte and pina colada, and every memory made on that trip. I remember coming home and feeling so elated with my experience, and that only motivated me to further progress towards recovery.
Lastly, I reflect on the holiday season. Despite catching Delta after Thanksgiving and being the most sick I’ve ever been as an adult, this was a true marker of success for me. This was the first holiday season since I was 15 years old that I can honestly say I enjoyed without any stress about weight gain or the food I was allowing myself to eat. It was the first holiday season in almost 10 years that I didn’t feel a mounting sense of guilt and shame with each additional day past Thanksgiving and Christmas that I allowed myself to “let go”. I never felt the urge to binge, I never felt the urge to immediately restrict myself as soon as I got home after all the celebrating. I was in a euphoric state leading up the New Year.
2022: How it’s Currently Going
At the end of January, I was feeling incredibly accomplished on my journey. I spent the first month of 2022 focusing on my New Years resolutions, which included teaching more yoga online, reading every single day, meditating and praying every day, and exploring the practice of mindful eating. I felt serenity in my body and in my mind — the most centered I’ve felt in my entire life. I was feeling good enough that I started to take some classes at a local community college, something that I’ve been putting off for a while.
Then February came. My birthday month. Going in I knew it would be crazier. I knew I would be going out more, treating myself more, having that 3rd glass of wine more, and feeling stuffed more. However, I was determined to maintain the strong foundation for my new habits and goals that I had set in January, and I was hellbent to continue with the mental progress I had made. I’m happy to report that I maintained a positive attitude for most of the month, but I did not prioritize my goals and sticking to my routine as much as I would have liked. Which brings us to the present day.
Beginning of March.
Not off to a great start.
This past week (which ironically happens to be ED Awareness Week) as I was writing this article, I had horrible body image and self deprecating thoughts. I was definitely tempted to restrict, dive head first into my old eating habits, and take several bounds back in my progress. I even started to convince myself that I needed to go back to Intermittent Fasting again, to spend at least a 24 hour period each week without any food. I then realized that giving into these urges would only send me back into that infinite pendulum swing from the side of restriction to the side of overeating. So right now, my goals are simple: to maintain consistency, to stay as close to the middle as possible, to find my equilibrium and find peace there.
One year down, Forever to go.
I wish I could have painted the picture for you of me, writing this from a state of full confidence in my recovery. I would have loved to tell you that I have spent the entirety of the past year without thoughts about whether I should lose the small amount of weight I’ve gained, or if it’s even worth continuing on this path because I felt better when I was restricting.
That, my friends, would be a lie.
I’m happy to say that I didn’t give in to any of the temptations to retreat back to my old habits and tendencies. I do feel like I spent the majority of the past year in a very positive and healthy state of mind. However, I think it’s important to point out the significance of setbacks and how non-linear the road to recovery can be. Often times we focus on the start and end points at A and Z, but we forget about all the other points in between. The fact of the matter is that most of us humans will exist forever in the remaining letters of the alphabet.
Living in the Gray Area
Society has conditioned us to live in a very black versus white mentality. If you don’t believe X, then you have to believe Y. In reality, a lot of our personal beliefs and practices are much more nuanced than that. We are reduced down to categories and never allowed to live in between. The truth is that most of us will forever live in the gray area. The gray area isn’t sexy, it is much less glamorous and well-defined.
This applies a lot to the realm of ED versus Food Freedom & Body Positivity. People assume that if you are “in recovery” or rehab it means that you are better, when in fact you could be one little trigger away from spiraling back from whence you came. ED withdrawal is a very difficult and depressing time for a lot of people. That voice that you became so accustomed to listening to — though toxic and hurtful — was a familiar voice. Training yourself to ignore or fight it is a constant battle in the early days. It feels completely wrong, because you are fighting against something that has become a part of yourself.
Speaking anecdotally, I am quite certain that the ED voice that I let control me for 8 years of my life will never be completely silent. However, I am actively working hard every day to not only ignore that voice but to contradict it. I am confident that I will never find myself living in the black area of disordered food behaviors and body dysmorphia. However, this doesn’t mean that now and forevermore I’ll be basking in the glory and sunshine of the white area of complete food freedom and self love.
In the Gray is where I will stay. And you know what? That’s okay.
